toasters_muses

Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck? Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. He trapped animals for zoos, for circuses, for side shows, for almost anything. During his long career he made quite a name for himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever lived.

One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and decided to retire. So, our hero bought himself a little farm in Louisville, Kentucky and settled down to live out his remaining years in the peaceful surroundings of rural Louisville.

Not quite. He had just settled down and was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. It was the San Diego Zoo. The zoo keepers said to Frank Buck, "Mr. Buck? This is the San Diego Zoo. We realize you've led a long and busy life, and you deserve a peaceful retirement as much as any man on earth, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and you're the only man we know that can get it for us. It's a hornless rhinoceros." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this hornless rhinoceros for the San Diego Zoo.

So, the next day he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan Lord of the Apes. Now Tarzan was painting stripes on a zebra. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on an invisible zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a hornless rhinoceros?" Now Tarzan, being so busy and all that, naturally was a little upset. But he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "Ugh!" And 'lo and behold, out walked this hornless rhinoceros!

So, Frank Buck captured the hornless rhinoceros, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting the zebra), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, back down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed back across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the hornless rhinoceros to the San Diego Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later Frank Buck was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Chicago Zoo. The zoo keepers at the Chicago Zoo said, "Mr. Buck? This is the Chicago Zoo. We hate to bother you, seeing as you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need and only you can get it for us. It's a short-necked giraffe." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this short-necked giraffe for the Chicago Zoo.

So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin' and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now, Tarzan was painting stripes on a zebra. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on an invisible zebra. So, Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a short-necked giraffe?" Now Tarzan (being so busy and all that) naturally was a bit peeved, but he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "Ugh!" And 'Lo and behold, out walked this short-necked giraffe!

So Frank Buck captured the short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting stripes), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the short-necked giraffe to the Chicago Zoo and went back to retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later, he was sitting out on the back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Smithsonian Zoo. The zoo keepers said, "Mr. Buck, we realize you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and only you can get it for us. It's a trunkless elephant." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally he consented to get this trunkless elephant for the Smithsonian Zoo.

So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (This was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now, Tarzan was painting stripes on a zebra. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on an invisible zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a trunkless elephant?" Now Tarzan, totally peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the brush into the bushes, pointed to a bush and hollered, "Ugh!" And, 'Lo and behold, out walked this trunkless elephant!

So Frank Buck captured the trunkless elephant, thanked Tarzan (who had by this time picked up a chipmunk and was painting with its tail), went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the trunkless elephant to the Smithsonian Zoo.

Now, by this time, word of Frank Buck's more recent exploits had become public knowledge and as a sign of gratitude the city of Washington decided to throw him a tinker tape parade. It was a glorious turnout and old Frank had to admit that as much as he was looking forward to returning to the quiet life of retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky, it was rather gratifying to see so much fuss kicked up over an old man like him.

As the car made it's way along the parade route, Frank Buck happened to glance down an alleyway and who should be there but Tarzan! Frank leapt from the car and rushed right up to Tarzan who was painting stripes on a zebra. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on an invisible zebra. "I can never repay you for all you've given me, Tarzan," said Frank, shoving fistfulls of hundred dollar bills into Tarzan's bemused hands. "But at the very least I can guarantee you'll never have to paint another zebra for the rest of your days!" At this, Tarzan gave a horrified scream, seized his knife and stabbed Frank Buck in the heart before fleeing into the distance hooting wildly all the while.



And the moral of the story is.... TARZAN STRIPES FOREVER!